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Acceptance

 𝗔𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲

Acceptance is a big challenge for me. Truthfully, after my accident, 𝗜 𝘄𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗮𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝘁𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗮𝗻𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗵𝘆𝘀𝗶𝗰𝗮𝗹 𝘀𝘆𝗺𝗽𝘁𝗼𝗺𝘀 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗰𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗲𝗻𝘁. Even though I was told I probably had a brain injury and should contact the Head Trauma after release from the hospital to investigate more, I wanted nothing to do with it. I felt like myself, just with physical issues. It's funny how the mind tries to shelter you from the reality of the injury. I was one of the lucky ones and was cared for by my parents in their home to help me after my release from the hospital. Even my brother from another province came rushing home to see me. I felt like I survived and just needed to fix the physical injuries and I would be fine. Even though I was having TBI symptoms, I'd blame the physical issues.
 
When I was released, I was told that I couldn't work and needed about a year off to start to heal. I could no longer have my career as a real estate agent, as I was having issues with memories of the past. Bluntly put, I didn't remember how to be a real estate agent. I lost a lot of my past memories. But I didn't listen. I was offered a job as a caretaker/cleaner at a Toronto school and accepted it. My only issue was I needed a medical waiver signed as part of my hiring package. I marched into my family physician's office, and we spent 30 minutes arguing over him signing the form only 6 months after I was injured. I lied and said I had no symptoms. I just hid them well, or I think I did. I begged him to not stop me from providing for myself and not having my parents take care of me. Nothing was wrong with me, and I couldn't do that to them. He finally agreed and signed, but was not happy about it.
 
So, I started the new job, which was an afternoon shift, 3:30 to 11:00 pm. I lived an hour plus away, so my days were long. But I kept my head down, took care of the farm, worked, and socialized the best I could, but was barely sleeping. Then the crash hit me and I thought I was going crazy. I would find myself hiding in a classroom crying for no reason, severe anxiety, not being able to handle the noise of the kids in the hallways, headaches, and a host of other symptoms. Yes, I had officially gone crazy, I thought. But I hid it and faked being okay. I realized I had to force myself to do anything. I would walk and say "left, right, left, right" to just be able to keep it going. I began to do my job as quickly as I could so I could find a place to rest and hide. 
 
I finally reached a breaking point after getting suicidal ideation and ended up at a walk-in clinic and tried to explain what was going on. Well, that didn't go as planned. I thought he would give me a pill and say everything was alright. He said, "You need a psychiatrist and neurologist." I didn't want to hear that, nor did I believe him. I ran out of the office screaming at him.
 
I sat in my vehicle trying to wrap my head around everything I was feeling. I then drove to my parents' house and collapsed into my mom's arms and said something's wrong. I need help! I think I'm going crazy. I'm a very lucky lady to have a supportive family. My dad took over and got me into the hospital's brain injury rehab.
 
That was 15 years ago, and today I still struggle with limitations and finding purpose in each day. But I think I'm 75% there in accepting my severe brain injury. Every once in a while, I fall into those old habits, and it always bites me in the butt. 
 
𝗔𝗰𝗰𝗲𝗽𝘁𝗮𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗶𝘀 𝗮 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱 𝗽𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝘄𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗼𝘄, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗮 𝗻𝗲𝗰𝗲𝘀𝘀𝗮𝗿𝘆 𝘀𝘁𝗲𝗽 𝗶𝗻 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆. 𝗜𝘁 𝘁𝗮𝗸𝗲𝘀 𝘄𝗮𝗸𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘂𝗽 𝗲𝗮𝗰𝗵 𝗱𝗮𝘆 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗱𝗲𝗮𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗲𝘀 𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘄𝗮𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗰𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗼𝘂𝗿𝘀𝗲𝗹𝘃𝗲𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗮𝗿𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱 𝘂𝘀.
 
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More About Susan
 
Susan Gallant is a Canadian survivor who sustained a severe traumatic brain injury in February 2011 after a horseback riding accident that caused extensive facial fractures and a serious head injury. Before her injury, she was a successful real estate agent who thrived in a fast paced, socially connected career. Today Susan lives on a one-hundred-acre farm in rural Ontario, where she raises and shows English Mastiffs. With more than fifteen years of lived experience, she brings insight, compassion, and encouragement to the BIHN community while supporting others on their recovery journeys.
 
About Survivor To Survivor
 
Survivor To Survivor is an ongoing series by BIHN volunteer Susan Gallant. In this series, Susan shares reflections from her life as a brain injury survivor, offering readers an honest look at recovery through the eyes of someone who has lived it. Her writing explores the challenges and personal growth that can follow a traumatic brain injury, while encouraging others in the brain injury community to feel seen, understood, and supported.

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