Holiday Update: Cancelled

Have you ever tried canceling a holiday? I highly recommend it.

Since I have had a traumatic brain injury, I have spent most of the major holidays in bed. A common, though often misunderstood, side effect of a brain injury is neural fatigue. It can leave the brain and body sick with exhaustion.

All of this is to say that, frankly, the holidays can suck.

The combination of stress, travel, and interacting with people tends to leave me completely drained. This can happen to me several times a year, but always around the holidays. In eight years, I had never made it through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve without spending at least one of them sick from exhaustion. It happens so often that my husband and I started working it into our holiday schedule, warning people that all plans were tentative. It's a tough position to leave your loved ones in and may often leave them confused. I have feared that people see me as fickle, cancelling events if we don’t feel like going. It couldn’t be further from the truth. A cancelled event leaves me feeling like a failure and a disappointment. This is the truest with people we don’t spend a lot of time with, as they have never experienced the full severity of my disability.

It is hard to explain how it feels once your body's resources have been pushed past the breaking point. The brain is so overloaded that having a short exchange with your caregiver can push you to the point of puking. The body is so depleted that getting out of bed and walking ten feet to the bathroom seems impossible. Your legs feel as if you are moving through quicksand. Passive thoughts of suicidal ideation are common, as your brain tells you that this is never going to get better. Any type of reality, even blackness, seems better than the one you're currently struggling in.

These are the times that it is essential to have a caring person to turn to. One who has heard this from you before and can deal with your current state of mind. To remind you that, like all the times before, it will pass. To remind you that, in fact, these spells are less frequent than they used to be. Which gives hope they will come less in the future.

Last year, we were able to celebrate all three holidays off schedule. For Thanksgiving, we visited with our nephews two weeks after. For Christmas, we went to my parents’ house late in the day, after all of the hubbub and commotion were over. It was a quiet evening of chatting and eating leftovers. For New Year's Eve, we invited a couple over for a quiet dinner. . . At 3:00 PM. That's right, my number one rule for a brain injury is getting enough sleep.

So, cancel a holiday. Choose not to spend several days afterward paying for a poor choice. Choose not to set yourself backward but gain that millimeter forward instead.

Or amend it to mean something new in your new reality. A Zoom call. A board game with a friend. Eating nachos on the couch (my personal favorite). Do what works for you. The people who matter, the people who continue to show up, will understand. 

   ~Sara Scott