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Afraid to Discuss

 

Susan Gallant, a brain injury survivor and BIHN volunteer, submitted this article for publication. Early on after my own injury, I struggled with suicidal thoughts on a daily basis, and I am grateful that I am still here.
 
If you have a moment, I encourage you to read Susan’s article. It is as real and honest as it gets.
If you feel moved, take a moment to show Susan some love in the comments. That is what we do here. We support and encourage each other.
 
~D
 
 
===============
 
𝗔𝗙𝗥𝗔𝗜𝗗 𝗧𝗢 𝗗𝗜𝗦𝗖𝗨𝗦𝗦
 
I think about no longer wanting to be present in this place right now. I am experiencing a dreadful day, which commenced at 3 AM when I awoke.
 
I managed to do a group meeting, after which I felt the need to lie down for a while, as I had nothing left to contribute to the day. I intended to rest for only 30 minutes. However, I awoke two hours later, feeling as though I had been struck by a bus, and I desire to escape this world.
 
There is a reluctance to discuss this aspect of traumatic brain injury (TBI). The suicidal ideation that accompanies certain TBIs is often unspoken. It is frightening to confide in anyone about these feelings. One hopes that this state is temporary and that tomorrow will bring improvement. My injury, undoubtedly due to frontal lobe damage, perpetuates these toxic thoughts in my mind.
 
As I contemplate the list of friends, family, and fellow TBI survivors, I wish I could reach out to one of them and express my struggles. Yet, what can they do? They can only advise against such thoughts. I feel disheartened that I do not reach out due to the fear of being ridiculed or labeled as overly dramatic.
Thus, I sift through my collection of strategies, attempting meditation, medication, and trying to engage in activities, even as my body protests, feeling as though I am suffering from the worst flu imaginable and simply wish to vanish.
 
I often ponder how many others experience this symptom. How do others cope with these emotions? One positive observation I can make is that we, as TBI survivors, are resilient individuals who persistently strive to lead a life that is both acceptable and livable.
 
Research Results
 
“𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘨𝘵𝘩 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘷𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴. 𝘞𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘴𝘤𝘳𝘪𝘣𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘵𝘩𝘦 "𝘩𝘪𝘵 𝘣𝘺 𝘢 𝘣𝘶𝘴" 𝘦𝘹𝘩𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘣𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬, 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘪𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘭𝘰𝘣𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦, 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘧𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘰𝘤𝘶𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘮𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘺𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘰𝘮 𝘰𝘧 𝘢 𝘛𝘉𝘐, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘭𝘢𝘸 𝘰𝘳 "𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘳𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘤."
 
𝘋𝘢𝘮𝘢𝘨𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭 𝘭𝘰𝘣𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘱𝘩𝘺𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘳𝘶𝘱𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯'𝘴 𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘨𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 "𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘬𝘦" 𝘵𝘰𝘹𝘪𝘤 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴, 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢𝘯 𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱𝘱𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘶𝘳𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘮 𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘯 𝘢 𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘪𝘤𝘦. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘥𝘦𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘦; 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘤𝘩 𝘴𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘷𝘪𝘷𝘰𝘳𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘛𝘉𝘐 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘭𝘺 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘴 𝘥𝘶𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘩𝘺𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘩𝘦𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰𝘭𝘭 𝘰𝘧 𝘯𝘦𝘶𝘳𝘰 𝘧𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘨𝘶𝘦.
 
𝘔𝘢𝘯𝘺 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘛𝘉𝘐 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘶𝘯𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘩𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘴 𝘣𝘺:
𝘌𝘹𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘻𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘺𝘮𝘱𝘵𝘰𝘮: 𝘙𝘦𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘷𝘦𝘴, "𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘫𝘶𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘶𝘵𝘩." 𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘺 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘴 𝘢 "𝘯𝘦𝘶𝘳𝘰 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘳𝘮" 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘪𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘢𝘴𝘴.
 
𝘓𝘰𝘸 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘴: 𝘚𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘸𝘰 𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘯𝘢𝘱 𝘭𝘦𝘧𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘰𝘳𝘴𝘦, 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘶𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘴𝘭𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘢 𝘰𝘳 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘶𝘭𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯, 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 "𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘺," 𝘭𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘱𝘪𝘵𝘤𝘩 𝘣𝘭𝘢𝘤𝘬, 𝘴𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘳𝘰𝘰𝘮, 𝘩𝘦𝘭𝘱𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘯 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘦𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘶𝘳𝘦 𝘰𝘧 "𝘥𝘰𝘪𝘯𝘨" 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨.
 
𝘍𝘪𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘯𝘨 "𝘚𝘢𝘧𝘦" 𝘱𝘦𝘦𝘳 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴: 𝘊𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘴𝘦 𝘸𝘩𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵, 𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘴 𝘯𝘰 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘪𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘰𝘳 𝘫𝘶𝘥𝘨𝘦𝘥.”
 
I try different things. Sitting in a quiet, dark room. Just letting my brain settle without forcing anything. Trying to ride it out instead of fight it.
 
And I think the biggest thing is wishing there was someone I could say this to who would just understand, without judgment, without trying to fix it, just knowing what this actually feels like.
 
~Susan Gallant

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